So thats how its supposed to be? You meet a guy, he's attracted to you and he's supposed to pursue you. If only it were that easy as people make it seem. Is it so wrong to expect something more than that? Even the pursuit itself. If your going to pursue me at least make a consistent effort. Neither of us has the time in different senses of the word to mess around. This is either make it work or don't. Also talk to me. Don't assume I know what your thinking. Men know women are always thinking and obsess over the smallest things. Like teachers used to say in elementary school "pretend I'm an alien from another planet, tell me what you'd say". If thats what it comes down to then so be it. I can't function like a sane human being with this burden.

I feel the need to post. I'm just so overwhelmed with everything going on around me I can't think straight let alone do anything. Driving yesterday I was awful so distracted I surprised myself that I didn't get into an accident. The concept of 6 degrees of separation has always kind of mesmerized me. How people know each other through each other and sometimes you don't even realize how people know each other. Without Facebook seeing mutual friends between people who knows if you'd ever really know all the friends you have in common or be able to keep in touch with friends as easily as we do. I just discovered last night that a friend I've known essentially my entire life has a new girlfriend that went to prom with someone I went to college with. The world just gets smaller and smaller every day. It feels weird that I'll be leaving it all again soon enough. New friends, new environment, new classes, new advisors, new activities, new adventures, new reasons to be busy like I won't even believe & I'll think how much I hate it again and then realize how much more I hate having nothing to do and no purpose for each day & just go along with my ridiculous list of things to do. I'll secret love it but maybe not so secretly, I'll try to make an effort to smile every day and enjoy everything that going on around me because that's what life is about isn't it? Enjoying what you're doing and finding happiness amongst it all. Because if we're not happy than really why are we doing what we're doing? I guess I thought a few months ago I was 'happy' but now I don't even like to think about it. I feel like an outsider in something I came to know so well and its a bittersweet feeling. I miss it and wanted so badly to go back but now that I'm at peace I'm content with the way things are. Do I have regrets? Of course but to dwell on them only makes the situation worse. I say never regret anything that once made you smile. To think back, every day no matter how miserable I was on the outside I laughed at least once whether I wanted to or not and at the end of the day whether I was smiling or not I knew I made someone else smile. That makes everything worth it to me.

Funny how things work out. Things change every day. Legit. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Things you think may last a long time may be gone the next day whatever it is. One day you could be with someone the next day not. Sometimes it might be karma but who's to say whether anything is or not. It's all a game this ridiculous life & trying to find meaning in it. People or song lyrics same thing whatever that things fall apart so they can later fall together. Whether I believe that or not I'm still not sure but who knows fate works in mysterious ways.

Major pet peeve: people not listening or pretending not to listen. There's a major difference between hearing and listening. Any speech pathologist or audiologist could easily tell you the difference. Hearing is not actively thinking about whats being said where listening is actually processing what is being said. Just as a majority of my high school teachers used to say that we weren't listening just hearing what was being lectured. Sometimes I feel like people don't listen to anything I say they just sort of hear exactly what Charlie Brown's teacher sounds like. For the most part I feel like what I say has relevance otherwise I wouldn't say it. So I may talk more than the average person but that doesn't mean what I'm saying has any less importance. Although there are plenty of times where I should have kept my thoughts to myself. I think its a Virgo trait to speak our minds no matter the situation. I have no shame which is a good and bad thing. Yes I'm one of those people who blames their personality trait on their astrological sign. It just seems to make sense.

Today was a weird day. One of those days where you're awake but you totally feel like you're sleeping. Of course being the psychological person I am I related it to depression and not being able to function normally or that being depressed or sad makes you tired and not want to do anything that used to make you happy. Sounds all too familiar. I don't know what to think anymore it changes day to day which obviously isn't depression unless you receive some kind of treatment whether it be antidepressants or some form of therapy.

I've come to terms with the situation. Many of the situations I'm currently in. But the dream I had after going back to sleep this morning just really upset my flow. It's been a week & I just can't seem to shake the way things are. It's killing me inside emotionally and mentally in general. I know its not healthy for me to be dealing with this still. My poetry helps but it can only get me so far. Talking about it just seems pointless now. It's as though no one wants to hear it anymore. I go through everyone I know in my head and figure out who is going to actually listen and who is going to roll their eyes and tell me to get over it. I have plenty of friends & tons of support its just whether people take the time to listen to even the smallest of problems to help people cope. My coping skills aren't the sharpest but I've been working on them. With everything I've dealt with in my life one would think they'd be better than they actually are. The roller coaster ride of emotions are just killing me slowly. I don't know who I am anymore. I find myself watching baseball games and that's just not me. It's as though I'm looking for things to stay connected to something that's not there anymore.

What if everything you thought you knew was wrong? I know everything has been more about love and relationships but that seems to be what makes the world go round. But honestly as much as people claim they don't regret things in life I feel like they're lying. It seems like everyone would have something that they're curious if they had done different would have changed their life. Thats what I'm talking about. What if fate is real and you somehow threw it off because of one simple decision. The fact that I think about these things on a daily basis truly shows I have entirely too much time on my hands.

What if that one person you were supposed to be with for the rest of your life, your "soul mate" if you will, you just by passed each other missed the memo, it got lost in the mail, decided to do something randomly different for a change. I'm not referring to the fling from the last post but old friends/lovers. Whether God has our entire lives already planned out to the minute or just major events sometimes I just wish he'd give me a GIANT sign that specifically said YOU'RE GOING THE RIGHT WAY or whisper in my ear telling me THE ONE. It's just so complicated and confusing to know whats right and wrong. What if I'm only meant to help people as a side project but I'm really meant to do something completely different but because I didn't follow through with something else I excelled at the entire plan was thrown off.

Back to "soul mates". I'm not even sure if I believe in them. To steal corny quotes that every girl says from Sex & the City "Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with" which I entirely agree with I have some of the best girl friends in the world who have been there for me through everything. But what if there was a guy that came into your life, you liked him at first and maybe he liked you but you sort of brushed it off. You were friends and over the years the friendship just got strong and stronger, ya know BEST FRIENDS. Yes I'm aware there's also a quote about guys and girls being friends but this is different... or so I'd like to think. Maybe back in the day oh lets say 8 years ago there was a chance for something that was completely overlooked. What now. It's 8 years later, you've had your ups and downs and even falling outs but that person continued to support you and be there for you no matter for... for the most part anyway. It's rare to find someone who's there for you all the time let alone for years at a time. You were those friends that told each other "I love you" and meant it. He told you he wouldn't be the person he is today if it weren't for you after explaining that your primary goal in life is to change one person's life. What are you supposed to make of something like that? As much as you push away and try to build the walls back up maybe they're really not meant to go back up. Maybe you're supposed to fall apart so you can fall together. You're not 14 anymore nothing is as simple as it used to be but not as petty as high school was. You live probably 500 miles away but can you feel love from that far away? Way intense. Here goes fate again messing with my head.

So much to discuss. So here we go.

How long does it take the fall in love? Honestly what part of a person makes you click and just realize "wow I really love this person". I assume its more than one factor but even so. Can you put a time frame on feelings? Personally, American culture has skewed my feelings on love altogether. I don't know what I really want. How I'm supposed to figure it out. When I know that yes this is what I have been looking for. It goes back to that cheesy quote "you're everything I never knew I always wanted". But back to the beginning, how do you truly know? I went to have coffee with an old friend from my early high school days yesterday. I'd say she knows me pretty well and only people who knew me back then can really say they know who I am deep deep down. I told her the current situation and just as everyone else felt awful and called him terrible things. I understand thats what you do when someone hurts you or breaks your heart but to be honest they're not a bad person. They're truly a great person who I felt treated me very well just made a bad move. When I explained this to her she looked at me and flat out said "Oh my God, you love him". It sounded like it came right out of a movie in fact when she said it I felt like I was in one. This is what lead to this blog. How long do you need to know someone to say you love them? In movies they claim it takes days, maybe a few weeks but thats also written by someone in their head where every move is planned out. Is attraction enough anymore or do you have to know certain things about them? My friend sparked this interest in my head that no one else had said to me. Can you really love someone you don't know very much about? What are the qualifications? I'm sure even supposed experts on love and even people who may have been married forever don't even know the answer. It's an interesting thing to ponder and there's obviously no right or wrong answer.

Next.
Can you still be friends with someone you've had previous feelings for? This relates. You have an attraction and it doesn't plan out the way you'd thought so can you still be friends? My current situation has put me in so many different emotions I'm not even sure what to do. I discussed this with my best friend last night and she said do what feels right even if its stupid. You're going to do stupid things in your life its just bound to happen. Your feelings are going to get hurt. I'm just in the process of picking myself back up for the hundredth time. I would love nothing more than to be friends with someone who hurt me. I'm one of those people who hates losing people from their life. I love the time spent getting to know people and little moments I remember about them. It makes me smile. It makes me realize were human and every day someone gets hurt you just have to realize life goes on. You can't cut people out every time they do something you don't like or something to you otherwise you'd likely end up alone. I think my wound is still fresh that I'm not sure whether I can handle a friendship. It's hard being 22 and having a friendship with a male that you're not dating or that you've had feelings for. It's hard to forget old feelings and go from kissing someone on day to not being able to because of someone else. I have self control but I just think it's hard at the moment.

PAIN

I think I've calmed down enough from this morning to actually blog about the situation. Girl likes boy. Girl tells boy she likes him and hes cute. Boy&Girl hang out, make out til 3am. Boy is "too busy" for girl. Girl understands and waits for time. Girl over time gets over boy and decides to move on b/c she wants it all or nothing. Boy talks to girl after this. 2 days later Boy decides to be in a relationship with another unknown girl. Girl is crushed.

kapeesh? Alright on to the analyzing. Let's be clear here, my heart feels like its been ripped from my insides or from "my sleeve" and thrown to the ground, stepped on, beatin with a bat, run over by a truck, etc. I'm in pain. How long this pain will last is a mystery. How long am I going to tolerate this pain? not very long AT ALL. I'm finally in a good place where I've gotten over my depression phase of grief and something else just replaces it. Everything happens in threes so part of me is wondering what's to come next. Do I stay down and duck for cover or come back to the surface only to be thrown down again? The roller coaster ride of emotions has been killing my energy and makes me feel like I'm not mentally or emotionally stable. Losing things that you've let you're guard down long enough to let them burrow and become significant parts of your life only for them to explode or be taken away a short time later EFFING HURTS. Do I wish this feeling upon anyone? Likely not even those who have done it to me. I tend to act as a spiteful person but in the end I don't mean harm to anyone. I'm just here for the ride and if you're with me great if you're not fine. That's something that bothers me. "Say what you mean and mean what you say" is one of my major philosophies. Yes there is such a thing as joking where you don't always mean what you say but not in terms of feelings. I hate that word and I just hate them in general. FEELINGS. ugh If I could honestly have them removed I would. Strange I'm aware but I no longer have a positive relationship with my feelings. They've caused me too much pain lately that I'd like nothing more than to turn my back to them. I don't care if people say they'd rather feel pain than nothing at all, this pain is AGONIZING and awful that I want nothing more than for it to go away. If it could be easily cured by ice cream like I imagine most things could be but aren't usually I would eat quarts upon quarts just to make it stop. Of course there is no actual cure. It SUCKS just blatantly SUCKS and I just wanna scream from the rooftops until it somehow fizzles away into the sky.

Playing with Fire

Ya know that old lesson when you're parents told you not to touch the hot things because you'd get burned so of course being whatever age you never listened to your parents and at least one time you decided it'd be a good idea to touch it and what happened. YOU GOT BURNED. I feel like that lesson subconsciously applies to everything. You take the risk of getting burned in some cases knowing you WILL but the risk sometimes outweighs the damage to be done. To the point, you're getting to know someone and you like them, you're upfront and they're not, you make an effort and they're so much more laid back, you need structure and they go with the flow. In walks my current predicament. It amazes me how much attraction you can have towards someone who you know so little about and then as I'm learning more it somehow doesn't phase me or I've psyched myself out so much to the point that it no longer matters. I'd like to think I'm an accepting person so I place some judgments but for the most part I prove myself wrong. But along with the fire lesson I feel because of my limited time left before I pick myself up and move 350 miles away again I'm playing with fire. I'm setting myself up for something I didn't expect or ask for. I feel like I've diagnosed myself with an attachment disorder lately because of it. It's so hard to not cling to something that's brand new and you just wanna know everything about it.

Had something really deep to write about and now as usual I can't seem to remember a thing. Something to do with purpose obviously since that seems to be the trend of my every thought lately. I guess the purpose of people and things in life. Everything in this world supposedly has a "purpose" in quotes because some things I still have yet to think of their actual purpose I mean in a food chain kinda sense. Some people I'm still scratching my head for an answer. Each friend I have i like to imagine in a fate sort of way has been sent to me the way that Mitch Albom claims in "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven". Each person is a part of my life to teach me something, to better myself, or just to be there a long for the ride. Someone who understands where I'm coming from or is there to hold my hand and tell me straight up "you're going off the path let's try to get back on" and show me the error of my ways. That's what I seem to really need right now but its up in the air as to which friend or family member I'm supposed to turn to that actually seems to know which way I should be going. 22 is likely the hardest year of my life. Between trying to find/keep a job, figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of myself, finding myself and my PURPOSE, and still maintain my sanity. All that pretty much makes my head spin on a daily basis. All these deep thoughts I write here because it just doesn't seem like conversation kind of material. Unless of course I'm at Yogen Fruz discussing my future with my aunt/life coach again. That was probably one of the best DEEP conversations I've ever had in my life and the evidence is tacked to my bulletin board in remembrance. The hard part is having so much to say in matter of opinion on how things should go or how you want them to go and how they actually play out. You NEED someone whos going to listen without interruption just soak it all up, take it all in. That's the hardest part I think for me. I'm an interrupter who hates to be interrupted because for some reason I feel like my point is somehow more important than whatever anyone else has to say which I know is wrong. What I'm getting at is I think everyone should have a life coach. It's so helpful and throws you back on track to whats actually important in life. Coming full circle everyone should have someone in their life that helps them with that. Find their purpose and stay on track with it otherwise why are we all here and whats the point in waking up every morning?

Over think

Over thinking. Is there really a psychological explanation behind it? I feel like as a psychologist in training I somehow have the authority to make up or create a disorder that classifies it as somewhat sane. Why do we do it though? Is there already some kind of explanation for it? Is it some kind of insecurity or expectation we're trying to live up to in terms of impressing someone that we fret over the tiniest things trying to find an explanation for absolutely everything. I know for a fact that I over think most things if there's time to actually think about what has occurred. This is part of the reason I have a tiff with romantic comedies. They make it somewhat sane to over think simple situations obviously pertaining to male and female attraction to one another. Does he/she like me? Are they the one? Which when the rest of us civilian population sees it we think "oh okay so I'm normal" without remembering the fact that movies aren't real they're scripted with people paid to say those things. People advise you to live simply and not read into things but if you don't what are you left with? Could you be missing something or by pass your own destiny? It's a serendipitous (my favorite word) situation. You're damned if you do damned if you don't. Sometimes I feel like God is up there rubbing his hands together laughing at some of our misfortune as though he planned all these complex dilemmas which part of me believes and the other part isn't sure what to think.

irony.

Kinda of ironic my last post was about it not being a good fit & whether I was really meant to do it. Turns out apparently I wasn't. It's been weeks and the feeling doesn't go away. Being in such a happy place and having it taken away is the most awful feeling. Time doesn't exactly help the healing as well as you'd think it would. I want to be a psychologist/psychiatrist one day & to not have coping skills myself is a hard hurdle to get over. I'm a shrink in training who needs a shrink. Knowing as much as I know about how emotions and behavior works it doesn't really work when you apply it to yourself.

What do you do when you're not sure what to do? It's like everything is up in the air right now and just too far out of reach to catch it. I'm learning the ropes of a new job and its like the friendly environment I pictured on the outside isn't so friendly on the inside. I don't know how to fix it I'm a nice person and try to be polite in this professional setting but its like you have to be the bad guy in most situations. I guess I'm not used to having to be such a mean person without knowing anyone. One of the girls I just finished training with had said she knew someone who worked there before and had an issue with her supervisor and ended up being let go because she "wasn't a good fit". Maybe I'm not a good fit. Maybe this industry isn't really what I want or what I thought it was. It's just all so overwhelming when you start out and don't know anything so it seems like everything you do is wrong. That's the worst feeling ever.

sigh

My dreams have officially been taken over by work. The kids are characters in whatever stories my head can come up with. It's like I'm losing my mind. I come home exhausted emotionally and that causes physical exhaustion and I don't know where to pick myself back up. I'm dealing with emotionally disturbed kids and I come home with the same attitude.

Old Habits

Back into my old groove of things. Spending my days doing absolutely nothing. The different part about this time is I really with all my heart wish I was working. It's like a tease when you go to work for 3 weeks straight going going going all the time and then you stop and it just feels weird. Like someone put the breaks on but you feel like you should still be going but you're not. It's an awful feeling. It's like I'm being cheated out of something which if you look at it a certain way I am. This is my dream, my passion. Helping people realize their potential and helping them reach those goals is essentially my life's goal. I just know this is what I'm meant to do. I don't feel connected to my friends anymore. I'd rather be connected to my work. It's a selfish thing to say but in the end its a risk you have to take.

Another day, another argument. I don't consider myself a picky person I just like things done a certain way. I feel like if I told someone I was adopted they would believe me. I feel like I have generic traits about myself that I know I didn't get from my mom but I suppose you could say my perfectionist attitude came from my dad. Something as simple as draining pasta when its cooked and not overcooked sets me off. It just seems like common sense to me and I never thought someone could lack common sense before but clearly its possible. I try to put things into perspective but the little things somehow get the best of me. I'm only 22 and I know I have a lot of life left to live but sometimes I wonder if its really possible for people to change when they become so comfortable with their habits and the way they are without consideration of others. I don't want to say its impossible but its likely very difficult.

I've come to learn in my 22 years that people can't be trusted. They say one thing and do another. It's incredibly hard to deal when its your own family who are supposed to be there for you and you should be able to trust. I don't think I overreact but its a situation where from the outside looking in you don't understand. I try not to think of people as perfect because its not possible but its like people don't think before they do things. How do you disappear for 8 hours on a Sunday? I don't understand. I should start keeping a list of things I don't understand in life. It'd be a novel by the time I was done. Maybe that's why psychology entices me. Its like the learning never ends everyone thinks differently therefore the research never ends. I have a lot of research ahead of me but I'm afraid I'll end up turning everyone into my own case studies which isn't always a bad thing. Maybe one day I'll understand.