PAIN

I think I've calmed down enough from this morning to actually blog about the situation. Girl likes boy. Girl tells boy she likes him and hes cute. Boy&Girl hang out, make out til 3am. Boy is "too busy" for girl. Girl understands and waits for time. Girl over time gets over boy and decides to move on b/c she wants it all or nothing. Boy talks to girl after this. 2 days later Boy decides to be in a relationship with another unknown girl. Girl is crushed.

kapeesh? Alright on to the analyzing. Let's be clear here, my heart feels like its been ripped from my insides or from "my sleeve" and thrown to the ground, stepped on, beatin with a bat, run over by a truck, etc. I'm in pain. How long this pain will last is a mystery. How long am I going to tolerate this pain? not very long AT ALL. I'm finally in a good place where I've gotten over my depression phase of grief and something else just replaces it. Everything happens in threes so part of me is wondering what's to come next. Do I stay down and duck for cover or come back to the surface only to be thrown down again? The roller coaster ride of emotions has been killing my energy and makes me feel like I'm not mentally or emotionally stable. Losing things that you've let you're guard down long enough to let them burrow and become significant parts of your life only for them to explode or be taken away a short time later EFFING HURTS. Do I wish this feeling upon anyone? Likely not even those who have done it to me. I tend to act as a spiteful person but in the end I don't mean harm to anyone. I'm just here for the ride and if you're with me great if you're not fine. That's something that bothers me. "Say what you mean and mean what you say" is one of my major philosophies. Yes there is such a thing as joking where you don't always mean what you say but not in terms of feelings. I hate that word and I just hate them in general. FEELINGS. ugh If I could honestly have them removed I would. Strange I'm aware but I no longer have a positive relationship with my feelings. They've caused me too much pain lately that I'd like nothing more than to turn my back to them. I don't care if people say they'd rather feel pain than nothing at all, this pain is AGONIZING and awful that I want nothing more than for it to go away. If it could be easily cured by ice cream like I imagine most things could be but aren't usually I would eat quarts upon quarts just to make it stop. Of course there is no actual cure. It SUCKS just blatantly SUCKS and I just wanna scream from the rooftops until it somehow fizzles away into the sky.