doubles.

It's like I live a double life sometimes. Everything this year just seems like a burden. Theres the select few I can tell everything too then theres everyone else. Everyone else is typically the people I have to put up a front to be me in fear of hurting someones feelings and never hearing the end of it or causing unneeded drama.

Some people just click better with others. I've come to accept that. Some people are more considerate than others and some just decide to be with one person and isolate themselves. I think that describes the present situation pretty well. I've accepted it and come to the conclusion theres no changing it. I don't need certain people in my life for it to go on. If you stand in my way I'll likely push you until I can go on through. Part of me does feel sad though that I've lost someone that used to be important but the other part says why bother if I'm better off in the long run. I have the people that matter and the people who used to matter that no longer don't. Quantity never out weighs quality in my book. The quality of friend always means more. If your not helping me then you must be standing in the way, therefore GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY.

This double life will either go away or make me stronger and so far I think its making me go insane. The secrets eat a little of me away every day. If ignorance is bliss than I should be quite blissful, if only it actually seemed that way. Unfortunately its not. Knowing something and not being able to tell others has always been my weak point especially when its about certain people but whatever I guess we get over it over time.

I just wish my life was as simple as the movies... or as exciting as The Incredibles.

"getting over you..."

Hopeless
A single word that you would not expect from me, from me
I take it like it’s coming from an enemy
The scene was meant to be
I see it coming after all the worst of me would fall
Make this now or never
See it on my face I’m getting over you
I’m getting over you
The place it takes me now
Well is it far enough
I’m getting over you
Make this now or never
Countless
The moments I would kill to keep this day away, away
I see it coming after all the worst of me would fall


I've been quite nostalgic lately. In the neverending process of cleaning my room I found old pictures and stuff from high school. Made me realize the type of person I really was in high school. Definitely not the person I look at in the mirror today. I wasn't happy with myself but somehow convinced myself it wasn't my fault. I blamed everyone around me for everything and fed off arguing with those closest to me. Its upsetting to me now because I've grown to be so much more cautious of what I say and how my actions affect others. Its definitely a learning process that I'm still going through. I hate to be one of those people who actually regrets major parts of their life but if I could go back I'd do things differently.

The early 20s are typically the years people go about finding themselves. Who they really are and their purpose in the world. I think it goes with the lyric "two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year". You can be with someone but your both lost souls who don't really know who they are and haven't specifically decided what they want out of life you can't really go anywhere. People who get married at such a young age and decide they found the person they want to be with for the rest of their life, I personally just feel like is a huge mistake. People change who they are all the time and can wake up one morning and realize you have no idea who the person laying next to you is. I just don't want this to happen to me. I feel like up until someone graduates from college they become attached to whomever has the same interests as them. After college you do the same thing but may realize the people you once thought you knew like the back of your hand are completely different and took a different path. Unfortunately I've experienced this and as badly as I feel about letting it happen there wasn't much to salvage the friendship that once was.

When one person gets married they transfer their focus in life from their friends, to their new spouse. What does a college student really have to talk about as common ground with someone the same age as them whos married. I'm not married therefore what will I have to offer as advice for someone who is. Especially when the divorce rate rises higher and higher every year which doesn't set an example for most people on what a successful relationship entails. Parents are supposed to look out for their children and advise them in their major life decisions but when your parents themselves can't stay together and be civil for even the smallest period of time how is that setting an example as to how a successful relationship should function.

"you don't find it, it finds you"

Life is all about stories. Everyone has their individual story to tell about every person they've ever met, had a conversation with, and thought at that moment they would remain friends for a lifetime. I feel like every friend we meet or share a moment with we never forget about. Each person changes us in some way that we become a better person in return or so its supposed to happen that way. Some change us for the better and others for the worse. I've always appreciated those who could make me laugh at my own faults. If you can't laugh at yourself once in awhile then your just stuck. Your constantly STUCK worrying about what everyone else sees in you with piercing eyes as thought they can actually see into your soul. Thats something that has always puzzled me. It may seem abstract but I've always believed I had somewhat of an abstract way of looking at things. Walking down the streets in New York City. Not being an actual New Yorker, when I look at people I look them in the eyes. Therefore walking down the streets in the city, when I look people in the eyes they put up a front as though they're hiding something, their insecurities.

It's been said time and time again in romantic comedies that when you meet that "special someone" you'll be able to look in their eyes and see their soul. It may sound sappy but I actually believe in it. You meet so many people that you "fall in love with" how do you know someone else won't come along later and make you realize you made a mistake. One would assume thats what causes divorce. People all make mistakes but how can we tell if we're stuck in the middle of one? what looks you in the eyes and convinces you not to go through with it.

Life is much more complicated than sitcoms and romantic comedies make it out to be. When your sitting in the theater or on the couch its hard to get back to reality when the movie is over and realize its not real. It was real in the mind of a writer who took the idea wrote it down and made it real but movies fail to acknowledge the pain and heartache day to day life has on people and the real world.

thats enough DEEEEEEP for now :)

The title "you don't find it, it finds you" is from the movie Definitely, Maybe.
I think it applies. People spend too much time trying to find their purpose and what they're supposed to do rather than sitting back doing what they love and what makes them happy. Instead they keep doing things they feel they're expected to do or supposed to do which in the end gets them nowhere with no fulfillment. Thats what I got out of the movie. This quote is a nice way to look at your life after graduation.

"its not who, but its when"
I also got this from the movie. I've been quite nostalgic about my life and the people in it lately. I think its self explanatory and goes along with "its not where you are but who your with that matters".