I think I lose track of myself sometimes. I let little things get to me and it somehow consumes my being. My mind wanders to wondrous places that sometimes I don't know how I got there. I absolutely hate when little things that bother me become my every thought and depict my mood. It's not something I'm particularly proud of and would hope I'd be able to change although it seems to be something every girl goes through where men don't think anything of anything. It's like they only thing about what their doing nothing beyond that. They lack memory and the idea that someone might actually be expecting something from them. I can admit not necessarily proudly that I've never had to chase a guy they've usually found me and pursued me for a short while then its not even clear what happens but its not a happy ending. I've seen too many movies and taken advice from too many people it becomes chaos in my head. You'd think a therapist would know better but in the end we're human too and sometimes we make mistakes.

So thats how its supposed to be? You meet a guy, he's attracted to you and he's supposed to pursue you. If only it were that easy as people make it seem. Is it so wrong to expect something more than that? Even the pursuit itself. If your going to pursue me at least make a consistent effort. Neither of us has the time in different senses of the word to mess around. This is either make it work or don't. Also talk to me. Don't assume I know what your thinking. Men know women are always thinking and obsess over the smallest things. Like teachers used to say in elementary school "pretend I'm an alien from another planet, tell me what you'd say". If thats what it comes down to then so be it. I can't function like a sane human being with this burden.

I feel the need to post. I'm just so overwhelmed with everything going on around me I can't think straight let alone do anything. Driving yesterday I was awful so distracted I surprised myself that I didn't get into an accident. The concept of 6 degrees of separation has always kind of mesmerized me. How people know each other through each other and sometimes you don't even realize how people know each other. Without Facebook seeing mutual friends between people who knows if you'd ever really know all the friends you have in common or be able to keep in touch with friends as easily as we do. I just discovered last night that a friend I've known essentially my entire life has a new girlfriend that went to prom with someone I went to college with. The world just gets smaller and smaller every day. It feels weird that I'll be leaving it all again soon enough. New friends, new environment, new classes, new advisors, new activities, new adventures, new reasons to be busy like I won't even believe & I'll think how much I hate it again and then realize how much more I hate having nothing to do and no purpose for each day & just go along with my ridiculous list of things to do. I'll secret love it but maybe not so secretly, I'll try to make an effort to smile every day and enjoy everything that going on around me because that's what life is about isn't it? Enjoying what you're doing and finding happiness amongst it all. Because if we're not happy than really why are we doing what we're doing? I guess I thought a few months ago I was 'happy' but now I don't even like to think about it. I feel like an outsider in something I came to know so well and its a bittersweet feeling. I miss it and wanted so badly to go back but now that I'm at peace I'm content with the way things are. Do I have regrets? Of course but to dwell on them only makes the situation worse. I say never regret anything that once made you smile. To think back, every day no matter how miserable I was on the outside I laughed at least once whether I wanted to or not and at the end of the day whether I was smiling or not I knew I made someone else smile. That makes everything worth it to me.

Funny how things work out. Things change every day. Legit. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Things you think may last a long time may be gone the next day whatever it is. One day you could be with someone the next day not. Sometimes it might be karma but who's to say whether anything is or not. It's all a game this ridiculous life & trying to find meaning in it. People or song lyrics same thing whatever that things fall apart so they can later fall together. Whether I believe that or not I'm still not sure but who knows fate works in mysterious ways.

Major pet peeve: people not listening or pretending not to listen. There's a major difference between hearing and listening. Any speech pathologist or audiologist could easily tell you the difference. Hearing is not actively thinking about whats being said where listening is actually processing what is being said. Just as a majority of my high school teachers used to say that we weren't listening just hearing what was being lectured. Sometimes I feel like people don't listen to anything I say they just sort of hear exactly what Charlie Brown's teacher sounds like. For the most part I feel like what I say has relevance otherwise I wouldn't say it. So I may talk more than the average person but that doesn't mean what I'm saying has any less importance. Although there are plenty of times where I should have kept my thoughts to myself. I think its a Virgo trait to speak our minds no matter the situation. I have no shame which is a good and bad thing. Yes I'm one of those people who blames their personality trait on their astrological sign. It just seems to make sense.

Today was a weird day. One of those days where you're awake but you totally feel like you're sleeping. Of course being the psychological person I am I related it to depression and not being able to function normally or that being depressed or sad makes you tired and not want to do anything that used to make you happy. Sounds all too familiar. I don't know what to think anymore it changes day to day which obviously isn't depression unless you receive some kind of treatment whether it be antidepressants or some form of therapy.

I've come to terms with the situation. Many of the situations I'm currently in. But the dream I had after going back to sleep this morning just really upset my flow. It's been a week & I just can't seem to shake the way things are. It's killing me inside emotionally and mentally in general. I know its not healthy for me to be dealing with this still. My poetry helps but it can only get me so far. Talking about it just seems pointless now. It's as though no one wants to hear it anymore. I go through everyone I know in my head and figure out who is going to actually listen and who is going to roll their eyes and tell me to get over it. I have plenty of friends & tons of support its just whether people take the time to listen to even the smallest of problems to help people cope. My coping skills aren't the sharpest but I've been working on them. With everything I've dealt with in my life one would think they'd be better than they actually are. The roller coaster ride of emotions are just killing me slowly. I don't know who I am anymore. I find myself watching baseball games and that's just not me. It's as though I'm looking for things to stay connected to something that's not there anymore.

What if everything you thought you knew was wrong? I know everything has been more about love and relationships but that seems to be what makes the world go round. But honestly as much as people claim they don't regret things in life I feel like they're lying. It seems like everyone would have something that they're curious if they had done different would have changed their life. Thats what I'm talking about. What if fate is real and you somehow threw it off because of one simple decision. The fact that I think about these things on a daily basis truly shows I have entirely too much time on my hands.

What if that one person you were supposed to be with for the rest of your life, your "soul mate" if you will, you just by passed each other missed the memo, it got lost in the mail, decided to do something randomly different for a change. I'm not referring to the fling from the last post but old friends/lovers. Whether God has our entire lives already planned out to the minute or just major events sometimes I just wish he'd give me a GIANT sign that specifically said YOU'RE GOING THE RIGHT WAY or whisper in my ear telling me THE ONE. It's just so complicated and confusing to know whats right and wrong. What if I'm only meant to help people as a side project but I'm really meant to do something completely different but because I didn't follow through with something else I excelled at the entire plan was thrown off.

Back to "soul mates". I'm not even sure if I believe in them. To steal corny quotes that every girl says from Sex & the City "Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with" which I entirely agree with I have some of the best girl friends in the world who have been there for me through everything. But what if there was a guy that came into your life, you liked him at first and maybe he liked you but you sort of brushed it off. You were friends and over the years the friendship just got strong and stronger, ya know BEST FRIENDS. Yes I'm aware there's also a quote about guys and girls being friends but this is different... or so I'd like to think. Maybe back in the day oh lets say 8 years ago there was a chance for something that was completely overlooked. What now. It's 8 years later, you've had your ups and downs and even falling outs but that person continued to support you and be there for you no matter for... for the most part anyway. It's rare to find someone who's there for you all the time let alone for years at a time. You were those friends that told each other "I love you" and meant it. He told you he wouldn't be the person he is today if it weren't for you after explaining that your primary goal in life is to change one person's life. What are you supposed to make of something like that? As much as you push away and try to build the walls back up maybe they're really not meant to go back up. Maybe you're supposed to fall apart so you can fall together. You're not 14 anymore nothing is as simple as it used to be but not as petty as high school was. You live probably 500 miles away but can you feel love from that far away? Way intense. Here goes fate again messing with my head.