Home.

So life is about finding what makes you happy and trying to maintain that happiness for as long as you can. Unfortunately it's not as easy as trapping it in a jar like a lightning bug. Happiness is hard to find and even harder to maintain once its found. Although to come people happiness just comes naturally waking up in the morning with a glowing smile from cheek to cheek. I wish some days I was that person but evidently I'm not. Especially at this phase in my life I'm especially trying to cherish the moments that do make me happy and try as best as possible not to take things for granted. When everything that made me happy for the past few months and even recent years is 300 miles away its hard to be as optimistic as I'd normally be. The people who just seeing them brightened my day and getting hugs from more than one person was a daily occurrence. It's something people aren't capable of understanding until they've experienced it like I didn't think I'd be this depressed or unhappy right away coming "home". It's as though I've lost the meaning of "home" and the concept of what a home is and what it represents. I don't really care what webster's has to say as the meaning of home I just know in my mind I have no idea what it is anymore. I feel like home isn't a specific place but a feeling of acceptance where your comfortable with yourself and I assume your surroundings. So home could be pretty much anywhere if you think along those lines. A person could even be classified as home which sounds like a line from a movie "you make me feel like home" which I honestly think is cheezy. My house no longer feels like a home, my apartment at the end didn't feel like a home which therefore results in the present predicament. I have no idea what I consider home or who I consider myself comfortable enough with to call it or them "home".

4am

Some mornings/afternoons I wake up and just can't seem to shake certain thoughts from my head. The most distracting music or mindless television show doesn't seem to do it anymore. Must be a sign that I'm all of a sudden an adult with the thickest of skin who can basically handle whatever it thrown at me but it sticks and rolls around in my brain for longer than it should. Babysitting my younger cousins helps me realize how complicated my life has become from the days when grabbing the shovel from another kid in the sandbox was the biggest fight and my parents took care of everything from what I was wearing that day to everything I ate. Now it makes my head spin trying to find the right thing to wear that obviously gives off some impression depending on the situation and everything I eat somehow effects how my body is going to react and like me later.

if only life was as simple as a 3 year old state of mind or a dog where eating, sleeping, and shitting are the essential events of a typical day.

This whole unemployment thing is starting to take a toll. Psychologically it feels like a day you stayed home from school because you were sick but you just never went back. In reality thats what it is except there is no reason to go back. Every day is filled with nothingness which only fuels the depression I'm already facing. When my skin is already tan and makes me actually look Puerto Rican for once there is no reason to continue to lay out by my pool. The rain definitely reflects my mood. Last night's thunderstorms represented nostalgia and to only be waken up at 3am by terrible cramps in my stomach which tells me I clearly shouldn't have eaten that ice cream at 10pm. It seems as though all the jobs out there are for careers no one wants. Jobs that are assistants to the jobs people really want. For example a medical assistant is clearly an assistant to a medical technician but wouldn't that also be classified as a nurse? whats the difference? could one be use synonymously for the other? I rest my case. Now this isn't necessarily my problem at hand but one of the many jobs that seems to be out there causing me to wonder wtf I was thinking going to a 4 year school when I could have stayed right here in depressing Syracuse gone to community college or wherever for 2 years for medical training and nailed a job right on the head instead of my current situation which is basically being forced to get my master's degree because thats all people want to see is 2 crisp framed expensive pieces of paper hanging next to each other in an office ya know because one just wouldn't be enough.

My life has been way too ridiculously busy for me to know what day it is in the last 2 months. Whether it was insomnia, cramming for a test that likely didn't influence my grade what so ever or some stupid boy I feel like I'm at a point of exhaustion where I can't even catch up with my sleep. Graduation still has yet to set in as well. It just seems like another summer around the pool until I get around to finding a job that this time at least fits my field and will keep me "entertained" for awhile.
Every day its like I can't catch my breath from the anxiety of being faced with the "real world". After being part of for the past few weeks what I've been told to fear for years I wake up with anxiety and somehow go to sleep at night relaxed. Eliminating certain people from your life is a definitely the best feeling in the world. It's so empowering you feel like you could do anything. I had one of the best days in a long time yesterday. Laying out by the pool with Dom, having a delicious gyro, hanging out & catching up with Pilcher, seeing the hangover, and having a few beers downtown. If only every weekend was that great. So my skin is ridiculously dry and I feel like an alligator, and I was ridiculously tired at the bar and kinda bored. The day as a whole was just filled with such happiness the little things fail to matter.