People get so wrapped up in what they're doing most of the time they don't realize how intense they can seem. Whether they mean it or not they come off one way but every depends on perception. Especially when it comes to kids. The golden rule can slap them straight in the face when one kid does something and they do it back but the reaction blows up in their face. Or your not familiar with something so people react based on instinct because everything is so INTENSE.

Home.

So life is about finding what makes you happy and trying to maintain that happiness for as long as you can. Unfortunately it's not as easy as trapping it in a jar like a lightning bug. Happiness is hard to find and even harder to maintain once its found. Although to come people happiness just comes naturally waking up in the morning with a glowing smile from cheek to cheek. I wish some days I was that person but evidently I'm not. Especially at this phase in my life I'm especially trying to cherish the moments that do make me happy and try as best as possible not to take things for granted. When everything that made me happy for the past few months and even recent years is 300 miles away its hard to be as optimistic as I'd normally be. The people who just seeing them brightened my day and getting hugs from more than one person was a daily occurrence. It's something people aren't capable of understanding until they've experienced it like I didn't think I'd be this depressed or unhappy right away coming "home". It's as though I've lost the meaning of "home" and the concept of what a home is and what it represents. I don't really care what webster's has to say as the meaning of home I just know in my mind I have no idea what it is anymore. I feel like home isn't a specific place but a feeling of acceptance where your comfortable with yourself and I assume your surroundings. So home could be pretty much anywhere if you think along those lines. A person could even be classified as home which sounds like a line from a movie "you make me feel like home" which I honestly think is cheezy. My house no longer feels like a home, my apartment at the end didn't feel like a home which therefore results in the present predicament. I have no idea what I consider home or who I consider myself comfortable enough with to call it or them "home".

4am

Some mornings/afternoons I wake up and just can't seem to shake certain thoughts from my head. The most distracting music or mindless television show doesn't seem to do it anymore. Must be a sign that I'm all of a sudden an adult with the thickest of skin who can basically handle whatever it thrown at me but it sticks and rolls around in my brain for longer than it should. Babysitting my younger cousins helps me realize how complicated my life has become from the days when grabbing the shovel from another kid in the sandbox was the biggest fight and my parents took care of everything from what I was wearing that day to everything I ate. Now it makes my head spin trying to find the right thing to wear that obviously gives off some impression depending on the situation and everything I eat somehow effects how my body is going to react and like me later.

if only life was as simple as a 3 year old state of mind or a dog where eating, sleeping, and shitting are the essential events of a typical day.

This whole unemployment thing is starting to take a toll. Psychologically it feels like a day you stayed home from school because you were sick but you just never went back. In reality thats what it is except there is no reason to go back. Every day is filled with nothingness which only fuels the depression I'm already facing. When my skin is already tan and makes me actually look Puerto Rican for once there is no reason to continue to lay out by my pool. The rain definitely reflects my mood. Last night's thunderstorms represented nostalgia and to only be waken up at 3am by terrible cramps in my stomach which tells me I clearly shouldn't have eaten that ice cream at 10pm. It seems as though all the jobs out there are for careers no one wants. Jobs that are assistants to the jobs people really want. For example a medical assistant is clearly an assistant to a medical technician but wouldn't that also be classified as a nurse? whats the difference? could one be use synonymously for the other? I rest my case. Now this isn't necessarily my problem at hand but one of the many jobs that seems to be out there causing me to wonder wtf I was thinking going to a 4 year school when I could have stayed right here in depressing Syracuse gone to community college or wherever for 2 years for medical training and nailed a job right on the head instead of my current situation which is basically being forced to get my master's degree because thats all people want to see is 2 crisp framed expensive pieces of paper hanging next to each other in an office ya know because one just wouldn't be enough.

My life has been way too ridiculously busy for me to know what day it is in the last 2 months. Whether it was insomnia, cramming for a test that likely didn't influence my grade what so ever or some stupid boy I feel like I'm at a point of exhaustion where I can't even catch up with my sleep. Graduation still has yet to set in as well. It just seems like another summer around the pool until I get around to finding a job that this time at least fits my field and will keep me "entertained" for awhile.
Every day its like I can't catch my breath from the anxiety of being faced with the "real world". After being part of for the past few weeks what I've been told to fear for years I wake up with anxiety and somehow go to sleep at night relaxed. Eliminating certain people from your life is a definitely the best feeling in the world. It's so empowering you feel like you could do anything. I had one of the best days in a long time yesterday. Laying out by the pool with Dom, having a delicious gyro, hanging out & catching up with Pilcher, seeing the hangover, and having a few beers downtown. If only every weekend was that great. So my skin is ridiculously dry and I feel like an alligator, and I was ridiculously tired at the bar and kinda bored. The day as a whole was just filled with such happiness the little things fail to matter.

MO-TI-VA-TION

Days like... with nothing actually set in stone as "plans" or things I have to get done nothing forces me to get out of bed or get things done. I just don't have the strength or motivation to do anything. I have a to do list but nothing to force me to get any of it done. I know some people that would love to sit around and blog all day cuz I've seen them do it at times and in places they probably shouldn't. Blogs aren't mean to hold your deepest darkest secrets cuz then its published for the entire world to see whether you want them to or not. I got in trouble in high school for blogging about people I had issues with and was naiive enough to think they wouldn't read it or know it was about them.

Every day ends the same...

Coldplay seems to be my safe haven lately. Its just relaxing.

Every day ends the same. I sit here in my bed and take everything in. What I've done right. What I've done wrong. What I have to do tomorrow or the next day. Some days I wake up and look straight in the mirror wondering what made me look like that today.

It's like every day I end with all these regrets and wake up in the morning with them written on my face.

So much to say... too little time.

doubles.

It's like I live a double life sometimes. Everything this year just seems like a burden. Theres the select few I can tell everything too then theres everyone else. Everyone else is typically the people I have to put up a front to be me in fear of hurting someones feelings and never hearing the end of it or causing unneeded drama.

Some people just click better with others. I've come to accept that. Some people are more considerate than others and some just decide to be with one person and isolate themselves. I think that describes the present situation pretty well. I've accepted it and come to the conclusion theres no changing it. I don't need certain people in my life for it to go on. If you stand in my way I'll likely push you until I can go on through. Part of me does feel sad though that I've lost someone that used to be important but the other part says why bother if I'm better off in the long run. I have the people that matter and the people who used to matter that no longer don't. Quantity never out weighs quality in my book. The quality of friend always means more. If your not helping me then you must be standing in the way, therefore GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY.

This double life will either go away or make me stronger and so far I think its making me go insane. The secrets eat a little of me away every day. If ignorance is bliss than I should be quite blissful, if only it actually seemed that way. Unfortunately its not. Knowing something and not being able to tell others has always been my weak point especially when its about certain people but whatever I guess we get over it over time.

I just wish my life was as simple as the movies... or as exciting as The Incredibles.

"getting over you..."

Hopeless
A single word that you would not expect from me, from me
I take it like it’s coming from an enemy
The scene was meant to be
I see it coming after all the worst of me would fall
Make this now or never
See it on my face I’m getting over you
I’m getting over you
The place it takes me now
Well is it far enough
I’m getting over you
Make this now or never
Countless
The moments I would kill to keep this day away, away
I see it coming after all the worst of me would fall


I've been quite nostalgic lately. In the neverending process of cleaning my room I found old pictures and stuff from high school. Made me realize the type of person I really was in high school. Definitely not the person I look at in the mirror today. I wasn't happy with myself but somehow convinced myself it wasn't my fault. I blamed everyone around me for everything and fed off arguing with those closest to me. Its upsetting to me now because I've grown to be so much more cautious of what I say and how my actions affect others. Its definitely a learning process that I'm still going through. I hate to be one of those people who actually regrets major parts of their life but if I could go back I'd do things differently.

The early 20s are typically the years people go about finding themselves. Who they really are and their purpose in the world. I think it goes with the lyric "two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year". You can be with someone but your both lost souls who don't really know who they are and haven't specifically decided what they want out of life you can't really go anywhere. People who get married at such a young age and decide they found the person they want to be with for the rest of their life, I personally just feel like is a huge mistake. People change who they are all the time and can wake up one morning and realize you have no idea who the person laying next to you is. I just don't want this to happen to me. I feel like up until someone graduates from college they become attached to whomever has the same interests as them. After college you do the same thing but may realize the people you once thought you knew like the back of your hand are completely different and took a different path. Unfortunately I've experienced this and as badly as I feel about letting it happen there wasn't much to salvage the friendship that once was.

When one person gets married they transfer their focus in life from their friends, to their new spouse. What does a college student really have to talk about as common ground with someone the same age as them whos married. I'm not married therefore what will I have to offer as advice for someone who is. Especially when the divorce rate rises higher and higher every year which doesn't set an example for most people on what a successful relationship entails. Parents are supposed to look out for their children and advise them in their major life decisions but when your parents themselves can't stay together and be civil for even the smallest period of time how is that setting an example as to how a successful relationship should function.

"you don't find it, it finds you"

Life is all about stories. Everyone has their individual story to tell about every person they've ever met, had a conversation with, and thought at that moment they would remain friends for a lifetime. I feel like every friend we meet or share a moment with we never forget about. Each person changes us in some way that we become a better person in return or so its supposed to happen that way. Some change us for the better and others for the worse. I've always appreciated those who could make me laugh at my own faults. If you can't laugh at yourself once in awhile then your just stuck. Your constantly STUCK worrying about what everyone else sees in you with piercing eyes as thought they can actually see into your soul. Thats something that has always puzzled me. It may seem abstract but I've always believed I had somewhat of an abstract way of looking at things. Walking down the streets in New York City. Not being an actual New Yorker, when I look at people I look them in the eyes. Therefore walking down the streets in the city, when I look people in the eyes they put up a front as though they're hiding something, their insecurities.

It's been said time and time again in romantic comedies that when you meet that "special someone" you'll be able to look in their eyes and see their soul. It may sound sappy but I actually believe in it. You meet so many people that you "fall in love with" how do you know someone else won't come along later and make you realize you made a mistake. One would assume thats what causes divorce. People all make mistakes but how can we tell if we're stuck in the middle of one? what looks you in the eyes and convinces you not to go through with it.

Life is much more complicated than sitcoms and romantic comedies make it out to be. When your sitting in the theater or on the couch its hard to get back to reality when the movie is over and realize its not real. It was real in the mind of a writer who took the idea wrote it down and made it real but movies fail to acknowledge the pain and heartache day to day life has on people and the real world.

thats enough DEEEEEEP for now :)

The title "you don't find it, it finds you" is from the movie Definitely, Maybe.
I think it applies. People spend too much time trying to find their purpose and what they're supposed to do rather than sitting back doing what they love and what makes them happy. Instead they keep doing things they feel they're expected to do or supposed to do which in the end gets them nowhere with no fulfillment. Thats what I got out of the movie. This quote is a nice way to look at your life after graduation.

"its not who, but its when"
I also got this from the movie. I've been quite nostalgic about my life and the people in it lately. I think its self explanatory and goes along with "its not where you are but who your with that matters".