Playing with Fire

Ya know that old lesson when you're parents told you not to touch the hot things because you'd get burned so of course being whatever age you never listened to your parents and at least one time you decided it'd be a good idea to touch it and what happened. YOU GOT BURNED. I feel like that lesson subconsciously applies to everything. You take the risk of getting burned in some cases knowing you WILL but the risk sometimes outweighs the damage to be done. To the point, you're getting to know someone and you like them, you're upfront and they're not, you make an effort and they're so much more laid back, you need structure and they go with the flow. In walks my current predicament. It amazes me how much attraction you can have towards someone who you know so little about and then as I'm learning more it somehow doesn't phase me or I've psyched myself out so much to the point that it no longer matters. I'd like to think I'm an accepting person so I place some judgments but for the most part I prove myself wrong. But along with the fire lesson I feel because of my limited time left before I pick myself up and move 350 miles away again I'm playing with fire. I'm setting myself up for something I didn't expect or ask for. I feel like I've diagnosed myself with an attachment disorder lately because of it. It's so hard to not cling to something that's brand new and you just wanna know everything about it.

Had something really deep to write about and now as usual I can't seem to remember a thing. Something to do with purpose obviously since that seems to be the trend of my every thought lately. I guess the purpose of people and things in life. Everything in this world supposedly has a "purpose" in quotes because some things I still have yet to think of their actual purpose I mean in a food chain kinda sense. Some people I'm still scratching my head for an answer. Each friend I have i like to imagine in a fate sort of way has been sent to me the way that Mitch Albom claims in "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven". Each person is a part of my life to teach me something, to better myself, or just to be there a long for the ride. Someone who understands where I'm coming from or is there to hold my hand and tell me straight up "you're going off the path let's try to get back on" and show me the error of my ways. That's what I seem to really need right now but its up in the air as to which friend or family member I'm supposed to turn to that actually seems to know which way I should be going. 22 is likely the hardest year of my life. Between trying to find/keep a job, figure out what I'm going to do with the rest of myself, finding myself and my PURPOSE, and still maintain my sanity. All that pretty much makes my head spin on a daily basis. All these deep thoughts I write here because it just doesn't seem like conversation kind of material. Unless of course I'm at Yogen Fruz discussing my future with my aunt/life coach again. That was probably one of the best DEEP conversations I've ever had in my life and the evidence is tacked to my bulletin board in remembrance. The hard part is having so much to say in matter of opinion on how things should go or how you want them to go and how they actually play out. You NEED someone whos going to listen without interruption just soak it all up, take it all in. That's the hardest part I think for me. I'm an interrupter who hates to be interrupted because for some reason I feel like my point is somehow more important than whatever anyone else has to say which I know is wrong. What I'm getting at is I think everyone should have a life coach. It's so helpful and throws you back on track to whats actually important in life. Coming full circle everyone should have someone in their life that helps them with that. Find their purpose and stay on track with it otherwise why are we all here and whats the point in waking up every morning?

Over think

Over thinking. Is there really a psychological explanation behind it? I feel like as a psychologist in training I somehow have the authority to make up or create a disorder that classifies it as somewhat sane. Why do we do it though? Is there already some kind of explanation for it? Is it some kind of insecurity or expectation we're trying to live up to in terms of impressing someone that we fret over the tiniest things trying to find an explanation for absolutely everything. I know for a fact that I over think most things if there's time to actually think about what has occurred. This is part of the reason I have a tiff with romantic comedies. They make it somewhat sane to over think simple situations obviously pertaining to male and female attraction to one another. Does he/she like me? Are they the one? Which when the rest of us civilian population sees it we think "oh okay so I'm normal" without remembering the fact that movies aren't real they're scripted with people paid to say those things. People advise you to live simply and not read into things but if you don't what are you left with? Could you be missing something or by pass your own destiny? It's a serendipitous (my favorite word) situation. You're damned if you do damned if you don't. Sometimes I feel like God is up there rubbing his hands together laughing at some of our misfortune as though he planned all these complex dilemmas which part of me believes and the other part isn't sure what to think.

irony.

Kinda of ironic my last post was about it not being a good fit & whether I was really meant to do it. Turns out apparently I wasn't. It's been weeks and the feeling doesn't go away. Being in such a happy place and having it taken away is the most awful feeling. Time doesn't exactly help the healing as well as you'd think it would. I want to be a psychologist/psychiatrist one day & to not have coping skills myself is a hard hurdle to get over. I'm a shrink in training who needs a shrink. Knowing as much as I know about how emotions and behavior works it doesn't really work when you apply it to yourself.

What do you do when you're not sure what to do? It's like everything is up in the air right now and just too far out of reach to catch it. I'm learning the ropes of a new job and its like the friendly environment I pictured on the outside isn't so friendly on the inside. I don't know how to fix it I'm a nice person and try to be polite in this professional setting but its like you have to be the bad guy in most situations. I guess I'm not used to having to be such a mean person without knowing anyone. One of the girls I just finished training with had said she knew someone who worked there before and had an issue with her supervisor and ended up being let go because she "wasn't a good fit". Maybe I'm not a good fit. Maybe this industry isn't really what I want or what I thought it was. It's just all so overwhelming when you start out and don't know anything so it seems like everything you do is wrong. That's the worst feeling ever.

sigh

My dreams have officially been taken over by work. The kids are characters in whatever stories my head can come up with. It's like I'm losing my mind. I come home exhausted emotionally and that causes physical exhaustion and I don't know where to pick myself back up. I'm dealing with emotionally disturbed kids and I come home with the same attitude.

Old Habits

Back into my old groove of things. Spending my days doing absolutely nothing. The different part about this time is I really with all my heart wish I was working. It's like a tease when you go to work for 3 weeks straight going going going all the time and then you stop and it just feels weird. Like someone put the breaks on but you feel like you should still be going but you're not. It's an awful feeling. It's like I'm being cheated out of something which if you look at it a certain way I am. This is my dream, my passion. Helping people realize their potential and helping them reach those goals is essentially my life's goal. I just know this is what I'm meant to do. I don't feel connected to my friends anymore. I'd rather be connected to my work. It's a selfish thing to say but in the end its a risk you have to take.